Combiner Wars Abridged
by Immortal Spark
Summary: [G1?] [AU?] The combiners are coming... or, were they already here to start with? I just have to point out that technically this isn't a proper 'abridged series'. Of course I mean it's a parody series, but it's not a condensed version. It's not like I shrunk the original in the wash like a kid's shirt. This has to be the least-abridging abridged parody in the history of abridging.
1. Chapter 1

**Combine(r) Wars Abridged**

 **Part 1: There goes the cyberhood!**

[Menasor and Computron emerge from the spacebridge above Caminus. They exchange blows and insults as they descend onto the unsuspecting planet.]

Menasor: Geek!

Computron: Jock!

Menasor: I'll give you a colossal swirlie!

Computron: Good luck doing your own taxes!

Menasor: You were awful with them! This is the first year I wasn't audited.

Computron: That's because I didn't put your daughter as a dependant.

Menasor: You idiot! Her AND her boyfriend are staying with us now!

Computron: Then you're screwed! Hahahaha…

Menasor: Hey, [Menasor points behind Computron] what's THAT!

Computron: Nice try… I'm not falling for it.

Menasor: No, really! There's something there!

Computron: I'm not looking.

Menasor: I think it's a class-M planet!

Computron: That doesn't make sense. First of all, 'Class-M' is from a different franchise altogether! Second, that only means it supports carbon-based life. And as you know, we cybertronians can survive in many environments that—[Computron crashes through a building. Menasor lands on top of him, putting all his momentum into a single punch than crushes Computron's head like a soda-can.]

Menasor: Heh, what a nerd!

[Windblade and Maxima swoop in and pew-pew Menasor. He swats at them as their shots deflect off his thick armor.]

Menasor: [Autotunes his voice as he pipes in his beatbox loop.] Oh, look. Little miss speaker is here to fight.

She's brought all her passion against all my might!

Now see here girlie, this move ain't too bright!

Cuz I got the guns to knock you clear out of sight!

Windblade: Combiners! 'Think you're all so big and strong.

But I'm here to prove you embarrassingly wrong!

Caminus is peaceful, we like music and song.

You're wrecking the place up. Oh, but not for long…

So you came here for fun, Cybertron made you bored.

So what if an army can't stand up to your horde?

Now this lesson concludes: you won't be a warlord,

And as Primus is my witness I'll end you with my, umm…

Menasor: … Sword?

[Windblade draws her sword and cleaves the combiner in half]

Maxima: What is this? Epic rap battles of Cybertron?

Windblade: We saved Caminus, Maxima! And all with zero casualties!

[Menasor's arm swings out of nowhere and strikes Maxima. She tumbles through the air and breaks into pieces as she impacts against a wall.]

Menasor: Told ya!

Windblade: Maxima!

Menasor: You're no hero! You're just a killer! And I should know… I killed Computron and Maxima… that's it I think. Oh! And my upstairs neighbors: _It's three in the morning on a weekday, TURN OF THAT GLITCHFOUNDED MUSIC!_

Windblade: I AM SO a hero!

Menasor: Am not!

Windblade: **Am so…**

Menasor: Am not…

Windblade: **Am SOOOO!** [Windblade cuts Menasor's whole body into tiny pieces.]

Random bystander: By the Allspark! Windblade brutally murdered that innocent giant!

Windblade: He's not innocent! He's a Decepticon combiner! He killed Maxima, and was about to destroy Caminus! I stopped him!

Random bystander: I'm going to tell EVERYBODY that you're a raging killer! [Turns away] Hey, did you hear about Windblade…

Windblade: Scrap… I hope this doesn't come back to haunt me…

[Somewhere else in the galaxy… ]

Optimus Prime: [Gets a text on his Nokia.] I don't believe it!

[Somewhere ELSER in the galaxy… ]

Megatron: [Gets a text on his Motorola.] Oh this is good!

[Somewhere EVEN ELSER in the galaxy]

Springer: [Checks his email on his old Atari desktop with its grainy-green tube monitor.] Huh? Some kind of _Windblade_... cut up a combine? I'm sure glad I don't live on a farm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2: What Backstory?**

Rodimus: What did you find out, Starscream?

Starscream: Remember how we said we had the combiner situation under control?

Rodimus: Yeah…

Starscream: The combiner situation is waaaay out of control.

Rodimus: Ugh, I knew it…

Starscream: Computron and Menasor were fighting over whose going to pick up the bill at Olive Garden, the whole thing just escalated and they crashed on Caminus. Now everybody's saying Combiners are reckless, destructive, and really abuse the unlimited salad and breadsticks offer. At least we have the Enigma of Combination.

Mistress of Flame: That's right! We have the Enigma of Combination. Everyone here knows exactly what it is and where it comes from, right?

Rodimus: Yep!

Starscream: That's for sure.

Rodimus: Thanks a lot, Mistress of stating-the-obvious!

Mistress of Flame: We can use it to destroy the combiners, OR make them obey our every command. It's one or the other, I had it written down somewhere but I lost it.

Rodimus: Or… should we make **more** combiners that will be on  our side?

Starscream: Are you both insane? Like…. I'm the Decepticon here, and yet I'm the only one who doesn't want to fight fire with fire! We ended our planets great civil war and brought peace to all of Cybertron! Sure I threw Megatron out of a spaceship, crowned myself leader of the Decepticons and only negotiated because I thought Optimus was still in charge of the Autobots. But regardless, I stand by my choice for peace. We should try to reason with the Combiners first!

Rodimus: Yeah, it wasn't all that glorious for me either. Optimus didn't like everyone bickering over the Matrix of Leadership, so when he got better he just dropped it on the floor and said 'Whatever guys, I'm done!' Y'know, I wonder what Optimus Prime would do in this situation. I imagine him showing up, unannounced to share his wisdom. I still respect him so much that I would listen to whatever he has to say. What about you, Starscream? Do you miss taking orders from Megatron?

Starscream: Ha! Hahahahaha… Bwahahahahaha-HA-HA-HA!

Rodimus: So… is that a 'no' or what?

Starscream: Megatron's greatest flaw was that he didn't want to _win_ the war. He only wanted a reputation that would live on in the minds of all Cybertronians.

Rodimus: You really ought to know, Starscream, but he earned that reputation… I was only willing to negotiate peace because I assumed he was still in charge. I mean—no offense—but you really don't strike me as a competent leader. I mean, on the battlefield we Autobots never knew which jet was you until you flew off at the first sign of trouble. 'Oh—there he goes! That's Starscream right there!'

Starscream: Easy there, we're on the same side now…

Rodimus: It's like… if I knew… like, KNEW that you were in command. Like, seriously? SERIOUSLY? Starscream? If I didn't die from laughing right there…

Starscream: Come on man, words can hurt y'know.

Rodimus: …We'd all be taking bets on who could pull your wings off first! And my money would be on Grimlock!

[On the far side of the Cybertron capitol city, Windblade watches the council through the scope of a rifle.]

Windblade: Okay, Windblade. I know rifles aren't my forte. I mean it's sorta like a sword… right? Except you look through this here scope, put what you want in the crosshairs and pull the trigger. [exhales] Okay, so I want to show that backstabbing mistress how I feel about her abandoning her home and her people with a nice, peaceful **warning shot** right past her nose. That'll show them I'm not the killer everyone says I am. Okay Windy… nice and easy, niiiiice aaaaaaand…

[Windblade fires. Hitting Starscream in the shoulder.]

Starscream: UHLF!

Windblade: Oh scrap! That's not what I meant to do. I meant to do THIS…

[Windblade fires again, hitting Starscream in the lower back.]

Starscream: AH!

Windblade: Sorry! I think I got it now…

[Windblade hits Starscream in the shin twice.]

Starscream: Ow-owowow…

Mistress of Flame: We're under attack! Sound the alarm!

Rodimus: Wow… Someone's really got a grudge against you, Starscream… should we go down _the list?_

Starscream: Oh, VERY FUNNY! Now help me up!

[Outside the city, Windblade prepares to leave to avoid being caught by any security forces. She turns around to see Optimus Prime and another Autobot she'd never seen before.]

Windblade: [gasps]

Optimus: It looks like you need to work on your aim…

Springer: Gimme that rifle, I can still hit Rodimus…


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3: What a Coincidence!**

[After a long pause, Windblade sighs and lowers her head as Springer takes the rifle over to the cliff's edge.]

Springer: Oh yes! I've been looking so forward to this…

Windblade: So… Optimus Prime: too obsolete to lead the Autobots, too self-righteous to leave Cybertron to fend for herself. [Glances back at Springer] Who's the green-guy?

Optimus: Springer's a little cynical at times, but he's has a good head on his shoulders, unlike _most_ Autobots nowadays.

Springer: Like Rodimus… Holy toasters, this scope is so crooked!

Windblade: So what? You're here to kill Rodimus?

Springer: Nah we're just passing through. But hey, can't pass up an opportunity like this now can we?

Optimus: And you, Camian, you had your fill of murdering on your planet, you had to bring your insatiable bloodlust to Cybertron?

Springer: Did you say Caiman? Like the crocodiles? Scope's fixed… Okay Rodimus, where did you go?

Windblade: ' _Cam-e-an'_ : from Caminus! And I'm NOT a murderer! I was protecting my people from invaders.

Springer: Yeah, the combines…

Windblade: Combine-ers!

Optimus: Any Decepticon could have threatened Caminus. You're overreacting.

Windblade: Am I? A whole team of Decepticons can't equal the damage that a Menasor alone could have caused. They see us as bugs, stepping on us, putting us in jars, taking our honey…

Optimus: And you thought killing Starscream would solve anything?

Windblade: I was sending a warning to the Mistress of _abandoning-her-people_ …

Springer: [looking through the scope.] There you are… perfect… [CLICK] Hey! [CLICK-CLICK] Where's the safety on this thing?

Windblade: But I couldn't hit Broadside if he were standing on top of a barn. Even if it works it's hard to get a clear shot because she keeps turning toward that weird, glowing sphere.

Optimus: Glowing sphere… the council has the Enigma of Combination?

Windblade: What's that?

Springer: By the Allspark, that's the worst place for the safety switch! Oh-kay, **now** where did you go, Rodimus?

Optimus: Many years ago, the Autobot sages theorized that several artifacts believed to be myth might turn up. Hundreds of explorers searched thousands of star systems until one day…

Windblade: Are your speeches _always_ this long?

Springer: [COUGHS] -yes-AHEM!

Optimus: "Those who fail to learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them." There is an important lesson here, Windblade.

Springer: Wait, you're Windblade?

Windblade: Yeah…

Springer: I thought a wind turbine broke apart and cut up a combine. Now it makes a bit more sense. You really _do_ have the look of a killer in your eyes.

Windblade: Combine-ER! **Ugh** … this is all because of that one blabbermouth on Caminus… I swear he's going to need more than a new muffler by the time I'm done with him.

Optimus: You need to check your aggression at the door.

Windblade: I'm sorry, it's just being called a "killer" by everyone I meet is really starting to grind my gears. And I don't want to hear a single person bring it up again!

Optimus: If they have the Enigma of Combination we might have a serious problem on the horizon.

Springer: Goodbye Rodimus… [CLICK] _of course_ it's **jammed**! AHH!

Windblade: But what _IS_ the Enigma of Combination? And please don't answer with another drawn-out soliloquy!

Optimus: Millions of years ago, in the golden age of legend: the ancient ancestors of all Transformers lived a peaceful existence. They studied philosophy and nature, explored planets and built the first space bridge out of primitive rope…

Windblade: I said no speeches! No more tangents, no more history lessons, and no more ' _grand things from a super long time ago_!' Just tell me in one  short sentence WHAT… IT… IS.

Optimus: [Pauses. Staring off into the distance as he carefully composes his words.] In the beginning, there was this _cube_ , right?

Windblade: FORGET IT! I don't have time for a history lesson! I gather it's something really bad, and we just need to destroy it before they can use it. Do I got that about right?

Springer: There… NOW nothing should be… [CLICK] no. **No** , I'm not messing around with this thing **anymore**! [Springer throws the rifle down the cliff and walks over beside Windblade.] Can't we come up with a plan now that we know we're only fighting combines?

Windblade: COMBINE- **ERS** **!**

Springer: What's a combiner?

Windblade: **What the 'H' is a combine!?**

Springer: It's that tractor with the big spinning, cutting thing on the front of it to cut down corn and wheat and stuff.

Windblade: Why would we have a war against farm equipment?

Springer: Well iunno… y'got the Autobots changing into cars and planes and stuff; then you got the Decepticons changing into other cars, tanks, jets and stuff… all off a sudden a bunch of _combines_ just show up and everyone's all "Woah, I didn't see that coming! I was not prepared!" They'd have the drop on us, y'know? What if they didn't just cut through crops, what if they could cut through robots, or buildings or force-fields? Now that we  know what the danger is, we… we can… y'know, get ready.

[Windblade and Optimus stare blankly at Springer for several awkward seconds.]

Springer: Alright then… so what is a _combiner_ anyway?

Windblade: You know Devastator, right?

Springer: Yeah, he's made out of six or something regular-sized robots. Takes an army to take him down.

Windblade: Well there's a whole bunch of them now... Like twelve.

Springer: Hey, Optimus, it's been a real honor to serve with you but…

Optimus: You're not going anywhere!

Springer: Optimus, we can't win! Even with Windblade here we're just three. We aren't enough to take on any giant robots or storm the council citadel...

Optimus: Then we'll need to seek out an old acquaintance to level the playing field. You're welcome to join us, Windblade.

Windblade: Sure. You guys probably attract trouble like a magnet. This'll be a blast and a half.

[Meanwhile, the rifle tumbles down until it strikes the ground. It fires a single shot that flies through the city, into the citadel, and hits Starscream in the groin.]

Starscream: AAAAAAHHHHH!


	4. Chapter 4

**Part 4: Mortal Frienemies**

[Optimus, Springer and Windblade are carpooling in a shuttle coming in close to the planet Desolatia. Springer was a little impulsive and finally upgraded to a modern phone. He'd been playing with the settings for over two hours.]

Optimus: You really like that new phone huh, Springer?

Springer: Oh man, you have no idea! It's like I remember sending messages from my desktop and thinking ' _this is it. Technology is at its peak. There's nowhere left for it to go._ ' … and then something like this comes out and… it's just insane!

Windblade: How much farther is this place anyway? I'm wondering if I have time for a quick cybernap.

Optimus: Actually we're—

Springer: OH! Hold on, I got this. Check this out Optimus, you'll think this is so cool… ' _ahem_ ' [holds out his phone] Siri…

Windblade: What are you doing?

Springer: Just give it a second. Siri… hey! Siiiriiii…

Optimus: I think you gotta push the—

Springer: I am! Would you just… Siri… SIIIRIII… [inhales] **SIIIIRIIII** I **!**

Siri: [beepbeep] Ohmygod, what?

Windblade: Who's that?

Springer: It's Siri! Check this out. Hey, Siri. We. Need. To. Find. The. Waspinator. Memorial. Arena.

Siri: [beepbeep] That's nice.

Windblade: Oh she's a keeper. I have to throw Siri out the airlock now…

Optimus: That's not necessary Autobots, we're—

Springer: Hold on… Siri. Er, SIRI… _where_ is the Waspinator Memorial Arena?

Siri: [beepbeep] Waspinator Memorial Arena is on Desolatia.

Springer: I know _that_! Can you be a little more specific? … **Siri** , can. You. Be. More. Specific?

Windblade: [Shudders] _Go to your happy place, Windblade. Just go to your happy place_ …

Siri: [beepbeep] Yes I can…

Windblade: Just GO… TO YOUR HAPPY…

Springer: SIRI, how far. Is it. To the. Waspinator—

Siri: [beepbeep] Ohmygod! It's **right** outside!

Springer/Windblade: What!?

Optimus: [sitting casually with all the navigation systems shut off] That's what I've been trying to tell you… [Windblade bolts out the airlock]

Springer: Wow, they're getting really good with this artificial intelligence stuff. I could almost swear I was talking to a real human.

[The three autobots enter the deserted arena to see Megatron fending off the constructicons. Megatron calls timeout to welcome his former enemies.]

Megatron: Hello again, Prime. I do think it's a pleasant surprise to see you. Though I do have to say, when they were handing out loyal troops you must have been having an oil change. The red one's new, but I see the green one here has some sense of integrity.

Springer: Yeah that's Windblade, and I'll warn you, she badly needs a dimmer-switch on her aggression.

Windblade: A dimmer-switch? Hey, c'mon. I don't need a _dimmer-switch_. Look, I'm fine now… I'm calm, I'm in control, and I'm ready to resolve any conflict with words and not with—

Megatron: Oh I've heard of you: _the killer,_ right? Well met.

Windblade: HURAAAGH! THAT'S IT! [Windblade draws her sword and stands poised to strike at Megatron.] I killed one… not ten, not fifty … ONE combiner. I averted the destruction of an entire planet. Was anybody grateful? Did anybody go ' _aw Windblade, you saved us! Yeah Wiiiindblade you're a hero. We're so lucky to have Wiiiiiiindblade to keep us safe._ ' NO! Everyone has to be ' _Aw Wiiiiindblade's a cold-blooded psychopath! Oh watch out for that Wiiiiiindblade she's on some kind of killing spree…_ ' Not a single transformer could see past one fallen enemy to realize I did it with only the best intentions. If I had known this is what would happen, I would have just stayed home, opened up a bottle of energon-wine and watched reruns of Gilmore Girls!

Springer: There's new one's out now—er, I mean… _Fembots_ , amirite fellas?

Megatron: Listen close, city-speaker: wars will begin and wars will end. Killing one decepticon or five isn't anything I'll take personally… but I wrote the book on dispatching assassins. One thing is certain: I will walk out of this arena, the question is: will you… _kiiiiiilllllllerrrrrr_?

Windblade: HURRUUUUAAAAAAGH! [She swings her sword wildly at Megatron. Megatron easily evades the strikes. Megatron deals a swift kick to her chest, knocking her back as he aims his arm-cannon at her.]

Megatron: Hahaha… Prime, I think your gesture of mercy must have been contagious; for a nanoclick I thought she deserved to live. You're lucky my arm-cannon only fires t-shirts for my loving fans.

[Megatron aims into the stands and fires a rolled up shirt at the _only_ spectator in the whole arena.]

Darryl: [Unrolls shirt that reads "I saw Megatron fight and all I got was a lousy t-shirt!" before indifferently tossing it on a pile of identical shirts.]

Optimus: Megatron, please. We need your help.

Megatron: Sorry, Prime. But I just started enjoying my exile. I even started writing a memoir: I'm titling it 'All Hail Me' but for a while I was really liking 'The Megamoir…'

Optimus: Starscream, Rodimus and the Mistress of _not-holding-her-liquor_ are preparing to use the enigma of combination for _something bad_.

Megatron: Ah, Starscream... Y'know, Prime, I may not be a raging psychopath like _some transformers_ … [winks at Windblade.]

Windblade: AAARRRRRGH!

Megatron: … But the thought of either of my two greatest rivals dying in battle is far too tempting to pass up.

Windblade: Does that mean you're coming to _help_ ; or coming to _watch_?

Megatron: _Help_ isn't a Decepticon concept… Battles are won when soldiers like you follow their orders.

Windblade: I'm not taking orders from you!

Megatron: Oh come now. I was going to let you _kill_ things…

Optimus: That's enough! If you'll join us we're ready to depart for Cybertron.

Megatron: I've got just one thing to say… _Shotgun!_

Windblade: Shotgu—No way! I'm not sitting next to Springer with his stupid phone again!

Springer: [Looks around] Hey, isn't that some of the constructicons…

Megatron: You bet. [yells] Hey, I'm off to terrorize Cybertron again! You guys can crash at my place just refill the energon-cube trays and take out the recycling on Tuesday.

Springer: Aren't we worried about them finding out about… y'know, _that thing_ you just said out loud?

Optimus: What? The Enigma of Combination?

Springer: Shhhh! Yes, that!

Optimus: Nothing to worry about. They aren't the combiners...

Springer: [blank stare] Yeah… they are!

Optimus: See, but I don't really know… Hey Megatron, okay… Scrapper over their let's say he learns how to play the banjo, does that mean Devastator automatically knows how to play the banjo?

Megatron: What?

Optimus: He wouldn't right? Because Devastator is his own brain that's like separate from all his little guys.

Megatron: I never paid it much thought to be honest.

Springer: I swear, it's like everything would be just the same if I wasn't here at all…

[Optimus, Springer, Windblade and Megatron exit the arena. The constructicons group up and start "talking"]

Scrapper: _Bleep, bleeeep_ , heh-heh-heh, _bleep_.

Mixmaster: Uh-huh-huh-huh, _bleep-bleep_. Uh-huh-huh, _bleep-blip_.

Scrapper: Yeah-yeah—heheh—it's like, like… _bleeeeeep_ heh-heh-heh.

Maxima: [Calmly steps in from behind] What is this… _Bevis and Butthead: Do Cybertron_?

Scrapper: Eh-heh-heh… what? Heh-heh-heh. I mean, heh-heh, _bleep_.

Mixmaster: Uh-huh-huh-huh… didn't you die? _Bleep-blip_ , Uh-huh-huh-huh.

Maxima: Trust me, when I'm through with _them_ , Windblade is going to wish I _had_ died…


End file.
